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The Big Picture

'Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons.' -- Vizzini from "The Princess Bride"

Saturday, April 29, 2006

The Devil in me

Sometimes I cannot resist giving certain Christian groups a hard time. A few years back I sent in a sterling resume to "Reclaiming America" of the Coral Ridge Ministries. They actually did respond to me, but I had to, in good faith, turn them down -- I mean how long could I turn out that dreck and they still believe I was on their team? Tonight, I got another bug up my bottom, and sent a letter of interest to AiG for the position of Speaker and Researcher of Geology... [Yes I know it was mean, but I figure that they have received enough email from me in the past to recognize who I am.] I seriously doubt I will get a response from this, but it was fun making this up.

So here is my letter of interest:

I would like to submit my resume for your consideration in the position of "Speaker and Researcher of Geology" for Answers in Genesis. I believe I have many, if not all of the necessary qualifications, and would make an excellent addition to your (or should I say our) team. I was saved many years ago, when I was finishing up my B.S. in Nuclear Engineering at the Pennsylvania State University. I was walking past a MAC machine one day when I was visited by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He told me that my knowledge in atomic physics and radioactive decay could be used to destroy the truth. (Up until that point I was a Catholic.) He told me that radioactive decay could not be used to determine the age of the Earth because God had set it all up to look older than it really is. Unfortunately, the Devil uses God's "mistake" to deceive many otherwise believers. God made this universe "look" old, to test us, but the Devil uses it to draw away those of us who trust(ed) in scientific facts. Now that I know this, I work tirelessly to show that facts are not truths.

I am a conservative Republican. So I know how to make any facts work to my advantage. For example, I know that God is anti-abortion. Even when some liberal comes up to me and claims that 2 Kings 2:23,24 shows that god kills children, I tell them that children are evil and tools of Satan, but infants are innocent. I go on to say that God knows all, he knew that those children would grow up to be tools of Satan, and thus they deserved to die. When those liberals respond that God also knows the minds of infants and that he is "hardening the hearts" (Exodus 4:21) of the mothers who perform the abortions, I have a further response: "Just because God knows all, and forces those women to commit sin, does not make the sin right."

I can turn any fact which indicates otherwise, into proof of God. For example, when someone come up to me and claims that the Bible says the value of pi is exactly 3.0 as known from 1 Kings 7:23 or 2 Chronicles 4:2, I claim that the Bible is not a mathbook, it is simply an approximation, or that the author really meant the inner circumference and outer diameter, or I can even claim that the value of pi really is 3.0, and that God is right, but we as humans have arrived at the wrong value (3.14159....). I can make any claim that you want sound like the truth over and above the facts. Another example is the "waterless" clouds (Jude 1:12) truth as given in James. Now it may be true that all clouds on Earth are made of water vapor, but clouds on other planets can and are, in fact water vapor free; they are methane or other organic gas clouds. So that alone is proof that God is the master of science. Just because all clouds on earth are made of water means nothing in the face of that fact. I can make up any excuse to prove that there is nothing in the bible that is anti-science. I am more than happy to claim that the mustard seed is the smallest seed of al plants because most people are not aware of the size of moss seeds, etc. Granted that argument only works on people who are ignorant of biology, but isn't that our target crowd anyway?

I can do this with any irregularity of the Bible that you need to "Rove" out of. For example, I am fully versed in all the excuses which explain the radically different geneologies of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ as given in Matthew and Luke. Clearly Luke was talking about Mary when he claimed the lineage of Joseph, and Matthew was actually talking about Joseph when he gave Joseph's lineage. The fact that this means the Bible does not literally mean what it says is easily explained by Christian politics of the first century, in that they still thought women were not the equals of men, and thus could not openly be the progenitors of lineage. That this means that Joseph and Mary would be relatives means nothing, as at the time, genetics had not yet degraded to the point where inbreeding was a problem (that genetic point has only been passed in the last 100-200 years).

This is just but a small sample of how I can explain away Biblical contradiction through obfuscation and outright reveleation of truth in place of fact. I learned this through my years of experience promoting Bush and the Republican agenda.

Getting back to my qualifications, I am a nuclear engineer, with a M.S. in Health Physics from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, who has worked on geology projects at the Nevada Test Site, evaluating the transport of radionuclides through groundwaters. I think I can put my extensive experience to use in the line of Jesus. However, be forewarned, I truly believe that God has predestined us all, to either paradise in Heaven, or eternal torture in hell. I know this becuase God had to set every molecule, atom, photon, and subatomic particle in motion 6,000 years ago, this means that from God's perspective, there is no such thing as "free will", even though we as mere humans who do not understand fully god's glory, fully believe that we have free will (and again I will state that the Bible says nothing of free will, thus it does not exist). However, since this is an issue of perspective, I am flexible enough to be willing to profess human free will, if you at AiG want to claim it exists.

I look forward to hearing from you soon, and will be happy to forward you my professional C.V. or a simple resume, and will further express my love and devotion to my master, the Lord and Creator, Jesus Christ, Son of God.

Sometimes being wicked is just too much fun, wouldn't you agree?


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