Over the years I've had a lot of fun when it comes to Christians and their unique way of viewing the world. One fascinating aspect of that has been "Christian Math".. Recently PZ Myers posted on Christian Calculus, and I thought this would be a good time to resurrect this old comment I made years ago at Jesus General.
During my surfing for all things Christian, I came across a publisher that mentioned something called "Christian Mathematics." Interestingly enough, God's math is not the same as our math. So, I hit upon the idea of inventing a "Christian Calculator."
For more on Christian Math, see the A Beka Book press information.
(scroll down a bit to the "mathematics" book.)
Here is the rundown of the features and functions of the new Christian Calculator:
This calculator will have the '+/-' key replaced with a 'satan' key. This key will only turn positive (good) numbers into negative (evil) numbers. There will also be a 'Paul' key that replaces negative numbers with a random (either positive or negative) number.
It will not do logarithms ('log' just sounds way too gay to be Christian), and will certainly not calculate the natural log of any number (as anything natural is materialistic and goes against God's will).
The 'function' key will be replaced by the 'grace' key. The effect of the new key will be exactly the same, only the name was changed to a more Christian word (i.e. 'function' as in 'bodily functions' and thus is a secular humanistic term).
The 'tan' key will be removed as it suggests brown people, and lord knows they know nothing mathematical, let alone be right about anything. (In future versions of this calculator, this key will return as the 'KKK' key.)
The 'cos' key will be replaced with an 'effect' key, as God has no Cause... This key will never perform any predictable function, and only God knows what it will do before it is pressed. (i.e. it is the "mystery of God" key)
Pressing the 'sin' key delivers a small electric shock to the user to remind them that astrology (signs) and all other forms of pagan mysticism are not to be practiced. (Note: this is the trigonometry key described here. It is not to be confused with the seperate 'sin' key which only functions when the 'grace' key is first pressed. This key absolves the user of one minor sin when pressed.)
The 'grace' key, when pressed for the first time, prompts the user to enter their sexual orientation ('1' for straight, '2' for gay). A built-in lie detector will determine the sincerity of the user. If the user is gay, the calculator will still work, but give the opposite of the correct answer (if the answer is 1, the result returned by the calculator will be -1). Also, after every calculation a bible verse condemning the user will be displayed.
A new feature added to the calculator is the 'Babel' key. It automatically translates any Hebrew, Aramaic, or Greek into middle-century Olde English. Pressing the 'grace' and the 'Babel' keys activates the MP3 function of the calculator -- but plays only the latest 700 Club show or "Truths That Transform" from the Coral Ridge Ministries. User has the choice of which program to listen to (see, Christians are also pro-choice!).
The calculator automatically assumes that anyone who presses the 'shift' key is a feminazi and will cause the calculator to cease to function alltogether until a male (preferrably the father or husband, but a brother will do in a pinch) brings it to the nearest approved church where a minister resets it using a special keycode combination (known only to approved reverends).
(It is a known bug in this Calculator that no functions which require the 'shift' key are accessible. In the next version of this Calculator those functions will be eliminated, as they are useless in Christian Math.)
The 'exponential' key will now only work when the estimated world population is entered, the result will tell the user how many people currently living will be going to hell.
Two new keys will be added; the 'Adam' key, which takes the inverse of the number punched in (replacing the 'inverse' key), and the 'Eve' key, which subtracts one from the number punched in. (It should also be pointed out that pressing the 'Eve' key automatically activates the 'sin' key -- see above. This has the unfortunate but inescapable effect of hopelessly scrambling the answer due to the "miracle of God" mathematical effect.)
The 'memory' or 'store' key will in fact save any number entered, but when 'recall' is pressed, the only number returned will be "3.16" It will be up to the user to remember that it is referring to John 3:16.
The value stored as 'pi' will be exactly 3.0, as mandated by God, in 2 Chronicles 4:2-4. (There will be no value for 'e' as it was not mandated by God in his holy science book, and thus does not really exist.)
All statistical functions will be eliminated, as they all only serve to "lower the bar" for entrance into heaven (with the exception of the 'summation' function). 'Average' and 'mean' functions can only lower the requirements of heaven as there are only a select few who will enter heaven, but there are huge masses that will be condemned to hell. The 'summation' function will be retained, as mentioned, but in a new form. Any series of numbers entered and then "summed" up will equal '1'. This is because the only real Truth in summation is that three whole beings, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, all add up to one God. Thus any summation must equal '1'.
The calculator will have a clock function, but when the 'Joshua' button is pressed, the earth will immediately stop rotating, freeze in its orbit of the sun, and the moon will cease in its orbit of the earth. This effect will continue for precisely 24 hours.
The '6' key will be removed, as it is the number of the devil. This will prevent the user from accidentally (or intentionally, if a "Left Behind" fan) pressing 666 and thus unleashing the hounds of hell upon the Earth and the onset of the apocalypse.
Pressing the '7' key three times will return the winning numbers to this week's "powerball" lottery; but only to the user who prays the hardest.
The '8' key will be replaced with the 'Noah' key. Then only the keys '1' through 'Noah' will continue to function (the '9' and '0' keys will be permanantly disabled), but the calculator will otherwise function normally -- in other words, all future calculations will only involve the numbers 1- 8 ('Noah').
Punching in the two numbers '6' (the replacement 6 -- i.e. '6*', not the actual '6' which was removed) and '9' will activate a blackberry connection and a GPS tracking circuit, allerting the authorities that a sexual miscreant is using the calculator and result in prosecution for violating the "moral standards."
* The new '6' is a normal six with a bar through it.
If the user enters the calculation '1+1' and presses the '=' key (see below), the answer will be '2' if the user indicated "straight" (above), or '1' if "gay". This is the only calculation performed by this calculator that will return a "correct" answer, according to the 'grace' rules above. (The reason this answer will be correct is that even if gays want to get married, they will still forced to be single by Correct/Conservative Christians, thus '1').
If the user enters the calculation, '1x3' and presses the '=' key (see below), the answer will be '1' (for explanation, see the 'summation' function above).
The 'divide' key will be removed, as God is indivisible.
An 'abortion' key will be added. This key will automatically reset the number '2' to '1' on the display and then condemn the user to eternal torment in hell.
The original version of this calculator had a 'Test Tube' key (back in the 1970s). This key originally told the user how many soulless babies they were creating using in-vitro fertilization. The latest version of the calculator has since replaced that key with the newer, updated 'Snowflake' key. This new key tells the user (only if straight and married) how many Blastocyst-Americans they have just adopted and must attempt to raise -- as all test-tube created blastocysts are (now officially) human and deserving of the "Culture of Life."
If the 'Snowflake' key is pressed by a single straight male, the resulting number is the number of innocent children killed by Bush's "Holy War" to bring democracy and the "Culture of Life" to Iraq. Pressing this key with the 'grace' key tells the user how many innocent children and women they could have killed in Iraq if they had been brave enough to sign up in the Army.
A new key added will be the 'Devil' key (note: this is not the same as the 'satan' key above). Pressing this key will return the precise bible quote that explains why you are going straight to hell -- unless you head straight to the nearest approved church and repent of your sin(s), and make the appropriate tithe (see below).
A 'tithe' key will automatically calculate how much you should give to your church out of your salary. Older versions of this calculator erroneously used the Biblcally endorced value of 100%, but this function has been changed in order to accomodate the newer 'capitalist' Christians.
The 'Caesar' key will automatically contact the IRS database and all other relevant records and calculate your income taxes. It remains up to the user to actually pay this amount to the government.
There will be an additional 'Peter' key. This key will replace the 'clear' key and will only work three times, after which the calculator can never again be cleared.
However, there will also be a 'Judas' key. Once an incorrect number is entered, and the Judas key is pressed, that number will never be able to be entered again into the calculator, it will be replaced with an imaginary number (at random).
There will also be a brand new 'Moses' key added. This key will give the results of the last 10 calculations, but then they will be permanantly erased and replaced with 10 different results yet represented as the same original 10 results.
One of the more powerful keys on this calculator is the 'spies' key. Pressing this key will give the user 12 answers to a problem. However, only one (or two) of the answers is correct. The other ten (or eleven) answers are false (from the devil). The best example of the power of this key was demonstrated by George W. Bush. He used this key to determine the number of WMDs in the possession of Saddam Hussein, and subsequently started his "Holy War" against the evil brown people.
Instead of the traditional '=' key, a 'Thomas' key will take its place. This key will have the function of returning the wrong answer, but when pressed a second time will give the correct answer (according to all rules above and below).
There will be a new key added; the 'prayer' key. Pressing this key instantly links your Christian Calculator with all other Christian Calculators around the world through the built-in blackberry connection. Otherwise, this key does nothing.
Any Christian Calculator that has the number '1134' punched in, and is then turned upside down (showing the word 'hell') will automatically self destruct.
One important technical note for these calculators is that they are not, nor will they ever be, solar powered; as solar power is the invention of satan-worshipping liberal Democrats, and will never be included in this Christian Calculator.
Finally, there is the most important new key, the one that is revolutionary for calculators:
The 'Jesus' key. This one is only used when the batteries go dead. Pressing this key immediately brings the batteries back to life!!
Future upgrades to the Christian Calculator:The batteries will eventually be replaced by crude oil. The technology is not yet developed (Christian scientists are hard at work on the problem even now -- using current versions of the Christian Calculator). But when it is, the 'Jesus' key will have to be replaced by the 'Elijah' key, which will miraculously replace the oil whenever its resevoir is emptied.
No one has figured out what the new 'Jesus' key will do yet. However, if the oil power cell fails to pan out, we already have a working prototype that uses water. The user fills the calculator with water, then presses the new 'Jesus' key, the water is instantly turned into wine, and the wine is used to power the calculator. This plan is opposed by the Republican Congress and President Bush, who prefer the oil power cell technology. They claim the water/wine power cell would be economically disasterous to both the oil and wine industries. We tend to agree with this assessment which is why the new water/wine power cell has been shelved for the time being.
The feasibility of a 'faith/works' key is being studied, but the outlook is not promising. This key is proposed to replace the now missing 'division' key. The problem is that the Protestant (Pauline) view of this new key is that it should return an error -- that is a "division by zero" error. The Catholic (Jamesian) view is that this key will determine the amount of time spent in Purgatory, based on the amount of "works" performed. We are considering two different versions of future Chriatian Calculators; one for Protestants, and one for Catholics.
For a while, a 'Terri Schiavo' key was considered. This key was intended to diagnose a comatose person at a distance of a couple of hundred miles. It was based on the diagnosis by Senator Bill Frist. But when the autopsy results were made public this idea was dropped because it became apparent that Christians cannot diagnose at a distance.
Future versions of the Christian Calculator will replace the 'multiply' key with a 'loaves and fishes' key (we are also looking into shortening the name of this key as well -- some employees are considering calling it the 'LAF' key). The reason this key has not yet been incorporated is that we are not sure which mathematical base in which to perform this calculation; be it either 4,000 or 5,000.
We are furiously working on how to implement the new 'David' key for use in our military. This key will calculate how many insurgents/terrorists/Iraqis can be run over by chariots (tanks), chopped up by iron axes (M-16s), and burned in kilns (incendiary bombs) per hour by American troops and still remain in God's good graces.
Work on the 'Temple' key was scuttled by Tom Delay and the entire Ohio GOP as corruption and back-room/under-the-table dealing is now a moral value. (Although they have voiced support for similarly functioned 'Cain' and 'Abel' keys; development on these are in the preliminary stages.)
We are working to include a 'Balaam' key for the next Christian Calculator. Pressing this key will enable "talking" mode. However, we are having difficulties in getting this to work without using either a speaker or sound chip.
It has been proposed by our board to include an 'Aaron' key in the next calculator. They insist that this key, when pressed, will randomly negate the functionality of the 'Moses' key.
There is fierce debate over whether to include the proposed 'Solomon' key in the next version of the Christian Calculator. Some board members want this key to have the functionality of, when pressed, to return a dirty limerick referencing women's genetalia. Other board members think this idea is horsepuckey.
Work on the 'Job' key is already complete and ready for inclusion in future models of the Christian Calculator. This key will make any number displayed on the screen become zero, and all future numbers entered will be displayed as zero as well. This will continue until God decides otherwise, or the devil stops tempting him.
Already confirmed for incorporation into all future Christian Calculators is the latest technology found in the 'Joseph' key. Pressing this key will tell the user what the market value of his/her community would be if sold into slavery. A second 'Joseph' key will be located just to the left of this key. The function of the second 'Joseph' key will be the opposite of the 'abortion' key above, it will turn the number '1' into '2'. The neat feature of this second 'Joseph' key, is that if the 'abortion' key is accidentally pressed, the error (sorry, sin) is corrected via divine intervention.
Since the 'test tube' key was dropped from the original design and replaced by the 'snowflake' key, some additional keys have been considered as well, these include:
--the 'stem cell' key. When the user inputs '1+1' and presses this key the result will be in the millions. However, nothing further can be done with this number, nor can this number ever be cleared.
--the 'clone' key. Whenever any calculation is entered and this key pressed (as opposed to the 'Thomas' key) the resulting number can never be used in any future calculations. Otherwise the calculator will continue to operate normally.
-- The 'heal' key. When this key is pressed in combination with the 'Jesus' key, it will restore the accessibility of any number or key eliminated according to all above rules. But this will only work by permanantly disabling all the 'abortion', 'Joseph' (see above), and all replacement 'test tube' keys.
-- The 'attest' key. This key is the actual key that disables all the keys necessary for the 'heal' key to operate. It must be pressed before the 'heal' key is used.
A definate inclusion in the next model of the Christian Calculator is the 'minister' key. This key, when pressed in the company of an ordained reverend (see the description of the 'shift' key above) will reset the calculator to its factory settings.
WARNING: (Printed on the backs of all Christian Calculators)
All the keys and functions outlined in current, past, and future versions of the Christian Calculator only provide God-ordained math results. These results will in no way match the results obtained from a materialistic philosophical calculator used by secular humanists (scientists and mathmeticians) -- with the sole exception of the 'Caesar' and 'tithe' keys. Do NOT use this calculator to build houses, buildings, or any engineering project, as it may cause the collapse/destruction of the building/project. (UPGRADING this calculator with the proposed 'temple2' key will temporarily solve this problem, returning this Christian Calculator to secular calculator status for a short period of time. But this upgrade will be very expensive, and is not yet available outside of Jerusalem)