Rapture Comedy

I'm only going to write one more post concerning the silliness of Rapture Ready. See this current article: Global RECALL NOTICE

It is unsigned, so I cannot put a name or a logical connection to it. Take this ingenious opening:

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

The "Maker" made defective products. And the products are to blame! Repent! Repent!!!

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

Of course the manufacturer of the original model isn't to blame, the original models have only themselves to blame to being so stupid as to allow themselves to be created flawed.

This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.

I would call it SINM, as that is just as meaningful as sin...

Some other symptoms include:

1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

Or as I like to put them:
1. Just where are we headed in Iraq?
2. Dick Cheney is the spawn of satan
3. So being made from dirt is better than being made of primidorial soup
4. Who knew that atheists were all suicidal and all Christians were signing up to go die in Iraq?
5. Yes, "war in Iraq" = peace, and desiring an end to war in iraq = violence and warmongering
6. ??? I think the only confusion here is believing in some "god" who can only "save" humans, if he commits suicide to himself as a blood sacrifice to his own vanity. Yeah, that's real sane.
7. Fear od hell = not fearful, fear of religions = fearfulness. Ok, well, he has me there. I have a great fear of religious zealots like this guy blowing up the world, certainly greater than any fear of some imagined eternal hell.
8. Is worship of the Indianapolis Colts considered idolatry?
9. Yes, all Christians should stand up, take up arms and kill, kill kill... Wait, or not. Is not killing for God considered rebellion, or is killing for God considered rebelling against that whole peace thing. Sheesh, now I'm more confused.

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

Cool, we all are fee-free!!!! But I still am unclear on the whole manufacturer is not responsible for the flawed design thing. That's like saying the Ford Pintos were at fault for being flawed, and not Ford, for Ford's design was perfect....

The number to call for repair in all areas is

P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

...Because only a Christian is capable of possessing these qualities. Oh, and according to the Christian, you'd better possess these qualities, or they will hate, fight, show no patience or kindness, be nasty, unfaithful, aggressive and lack all self control towards you. (And if you happen to be gay, Whoa! look out, death by dragging behind a car is too good for you). But it is the atheist who is a bad, bad person.

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth), for further details on the use of these fixes.

Yes, and for the proper methods to use to execute those who do not agree (or agree, but mistakenly think eating shrimp is ok, but being gay is damnable).

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

Like guessing which Christian sect to believe in (and reject all others).

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will need to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Again, guessing the wrong Christian sect to adhere to is functionally no different than running around as a gay Muslim abortion doctor.

This has been brought to you by S.T.U.P.I.D. Strict Translations (of) Uber- Pius Iconic Doctrines